My friends are really lovely and really care about me. So when they staged a sexual intervention (nowhere near as kinky as it sounds) I decided they probably were doing it for my own good. After taking their advice on board and going on to have a wonderful sex life I felt it was only fair to pass on the Good News (yes like the BIBLE).

Here’s what they told me.

FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON:

  • – People with round earlobes are great in bed. Someone slutty I know has conducted research. Graphs and everything

  • - Apparently eye colour indicates what kind of lover you’ll be. Browns are attentive and sensitive, greens are more aggressive and blues are fast learners.

  • - Wear a metallica T-shirt. My friend one bought one at a concert a few years ago and every time she wears it boys come and talk to her. And not even just metal heads, indie boys and crunk kids (her words not mine) love it too.

IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT

  • - If you want to do sexy talk with a husky sexy voice pretend you’re calling in sick to your Saturday job. (Just without the period pains excuse)

  • - No matter what you’re doing try and use at least two parts of your body at all times. This is what’s known as “sexy multitasking”

  • - If you’re going to do the whole eating off each other thing use fruit like strawberries or peaches in syrup. Slutty friend told me that her boyfriend was sick once during a session because he’d eaten too much whipped cream and caramel sauce.

  • - I think this is a bit fucking gross but apparently if you sprinkle cinnamon ‘down there’ it makes you taste like a Danish.

  • - JUST IN: I have been told this is VERY important. Apparently boys don’t like it when you stroke and tickle them and basically beat around the bush. “GET TO THE POINT WOMAN, I’VE GOT TOKYO ON THE LINE”.

GIRLS LIKE

- A girl I know once told her boyfriend when he was giving oral sex ‘“ ‘lick it like you’re eating a caramel magnum’.

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  • - This is the best instruction for the girl area. The boy should put his index finger on the clitoris (that word = shudder) and gently tap. He needs to do it really really lightly so that he barely moves his finger. The speed can vary but just don’t fucking move that finger.

  • - When the girl is on top the boy should press his feet on the bedpost. Apparently hits the right angle. Got to love geometry.

  • - Boys should eat strawberries, pineapple and watermelon to make their almighty love juice taste better. Beer, red meat, curries and coffee make it taste like shit (Speaking of tasting shit’¦no that’s a different article)

  • - Ask a lesbian for full comprehensive sex cover. Diagrams if possible.

IF YOU’VE BEEN GOING OUT FOR A WHILE

  • - When you go out for the night go to the toilet and take off your underwear. Then slip it into your boyfriend’s pocket without him knowing. Massive horn on. Although don’t let boys do it to you. You’ll get baggy boxers hanging out your skirt.

  • - Give him options when wanking him off, ‘where would you like to come?’ If you can ask in a sexy accent even better. Sexy accents include: French, Italian and Russian. And Welsh apparently.

 

  • - Be daring. My friend had sex in the living room one Christmas while her family was in the dining room eating lunch. Roasting.

I hope that helps. Try some stuff out. Then call me.

 

ILLUSTRATIONS: DANIEL DAVID FREEMAN